Tails Never Fails: My Foolproof Investment Strategy

February 8, 2021
This post is a throwback from a 2019 Instagram post. The bulletproof logic, however, has not changed.

“How do you afford to travel the world?”

It sure as hell isn’t “gambling.”

In an Economics class, I once raised my hand. “Professor, how often does tails fail?”

He replied, “In an efficient market where all actors are rational, 50% of the time.”

I howled in laughter. “In what world is this ‘an efficient market where all actors are rational?’”

In this schnoz-eat-schnitzel world, PSYCHOLOGY rules all. And while the “math” might tell you what my “professor” told “me,” Newton’s 42th Law of PSYCHOLOGY tells a simple truth.

Tails doesn’t fail half the time. It doesn’t even fail occasionally. If the moment the referee flipped the coin, he unleashed a seismic fart — tails would STILL NOT FAIL. It would prevail. Because tails NEVER fails.

If you don’t believe this simple truth, you may as well toss your children’s lives aside.

You likely believe that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are “fictional.” You’d likely laugh if I told you that the cause of climate change is that they eat too much pepperoni. And you’d certainly laugh if I told you they use said pepperoni to fashion remote controls that dictate our thoughts.

Let me guess: You think that’s a “hot load of bologna.” You don’t think THEY told you to think about pepperoni’s evil, halfbreed cousin?

For the 9th year in a row, I have liquidated my family’s assets and “gambled” on TAILS. I have stolen thousands from the poor to do the same.

If you aren’t following suit, you are what’s wrong with this world. And you’re probably a Patriots fan.

Go Tails. Go Rams. Go steal from that old lady next door so you can return the money twofold after the flip.

If not, your descendants will tell tales of your fails. I have coined a term for you. You are nothing but a TAILURE, who will never land ahead.

Godspeed. See you on the flipside.

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